Identifying What I Wanted

What do you want? Ah… why was this so difficult to answer. I knew what I didn’t want. I didn’t want
to be in debt. I didn’t want to feel anxious about money all the time. I didn’t want to feel sick when
I went to buy groceries. I didn’t want to be in this toxic relationship. I didn’t want the stresses of
my job.

So what did I want? I was told just reverse all those things. What would the opposite look like?
Well being debt-free would be opposite to being in debt. Now I was told try and put that in the
positive because if you use the word debt that’s what the universe hears. Hmm… ok well what I
would love is to be able to spend money and not worry about it. To have a sense of financial well-being
if you like. I would love to just wake up and know that all my needs and desires were taken
care of. Oh so that’s what I wanted.

I wanted to be able to wake up in the morning and feel enthusiastic about what lay ahead of me that day instead of dreading what I could be facing. I wanted to  have work that felt so fun it was like play as Edwene Gaines had said. I couldn’t even imagine what sort of work that would be but it sure sounded nice. I went to a life coach at one stage and she asked me to imagine an ideal work day and all I could come up with was being in front of the room with big sheet of paper and coloured  pens. Some vision!

I didn’t want a relationship in which I was constantly criticised and put down. So what did I want in a relationship? I wanted to feel loved and cherished just as I am. I  wanted to feel safe and steady in that relationship.

And so I started to get an idea of what I wanted. Then I came across Bob Proctor. Who not only asked the question what do you want, he encouraged us to go way beyond what we thought we could have.

He said there are three types of goals.

  • One is you already know how to  get it. It’s the same as something you’ve already done before.
  • The second type is one you think you can achieve if you gather all your resources together. That’s what  he calls a “b” type goal.
  • The one he says to go for that is really worthwhile is the “c” type goal. Something you have no idea how you can achieve it.

That he says is  when the magic happens actually he didn’t use that word but that’s what I came to understand when you set a goal that’s way out there you have to pull on resources that you didn’t even know you had to achieve it. You make room for the universe, for God to work. Edwene Gaines says the “how” is none of our business.

My only business then was to decide what I wanted.

Why did I have to do this? Every part of me wanted to not do it. Why? Well I knew that if I
identified what I wanted and didn’t get it I would feel like such a failure again. I had spent most of
my life wishing and hoping that things would get better and all I’d ever got was more of the same
misery. So how was this goal-setting thing going to work. I was terrified. Edwene Gaines said just
start by writing down things you’d love to do, have, or be. I managed to write down some things.
They looked pretty lame now I think about it. One was a pair of red shoes. At that point in my life I
had a pair of black work shoes and a pair of inadequate runners. Why would I want a pair of red
shoes. Well, Edwene gave the example of wanting a mustang – she just desired it, no further
justification necessary. So that was good enough for me.

It was only later I came across Charles Fillmore’s writing and he said,

“Desire is the onward impulse of the ever evolving soul. It builds from within out and carries its fulfillment with it as a necessary corollary.”

That was when I started to see that our desires are good. They are how we grow. Bob Proctor said the only point of a goal is to grow.

I hadn’t at this point understood the way that you need to allow the good to come in. I still thought
it was something you pursued. It took me years to get the idea “to seek first the kingdom of God
and all these things follow.” I struggled to make sense of this. I thought initially it was all about
making things happen. I hadn’t grasped the inner work. It’s all an inside job.

The more I could get a sense of well-being the better life became. So then I wondered why I
needed to write down these things anyway. Why do I need to be identifying what I want? Well, it
was explained to me, probably with a bit of exasperation, when is she ever going to get this, you
need to to get clear about what you want otherwise you will continue to get what you’ve always
got. I knew I didn’t want that.

There was another concept that I came across in Unity that got my attention. I think it was in the 4T Prosperity Program, a 12-Step course on living the Fullness of Life by Stretton Smith. He posed the question: “Are you a giver or a taker?” Ouch! At that point in my life I was very much a taker or a getter and a very reluctant giver. I had to cultivate generosity even though we were being taught that generosity or benevolence are natural to us. But some of these natural resources can lie dormant as this one was for me.

Another idea that really helped me was something I learned from Mary Morrissey. Pay attention to
your longings and your discontent, she said. They are the universe’s way of getting your attention.
They are saying don’t settle. There’s more for you. I had been thinking that my discontent was
somehow a bad thing, that it meant I was a selfish, disgruntled being.

I had to overcome my sense that this was all selfishness. Would I be a better person or could I do more good if I did these achieve these things? How would me getting red shoes help anyone else? You can see that I had to clear up some stuff in my head. I had to let go of some notions about what is ok to do have or be in this life. Are we meant to have all our needs and desires met?
Some would say it’s God’s will that you do.

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