What do you want? Ah why was this so difficult to answer. I knew what I didn’t want. I didn’t want to be in debt. I didn’t want to feel anxious about money all the time. I didn’t want to feel sick when I went to buy groceries. I didn’t want to be in this toxic relationship. I didn’t want the stresses of my job. So what did I want? I was told just reverse all those things. What would the opposite look like? Well being debt-free would be opposite to being in debt. Now I was told try and put that in the positive because if you use the word debt that’s what the universe hears. Hmm ok well what I would love is to be able to spend money and not worry about it. To have a sense of financial well being if you like. I would love to just wake up and know that all my needs and desires were taken care of. Oh so that’s what I wanted.
I wanted to be able to wake up in the morning and feel enthusiastic about what lay ahead of me that day instead of dreading what I could be facing. I wanted to have work that felt so fun it was like play as Edwene Gaines had said. I couldn’t even imagine what sort of work that would be but it sure sounded nice. I went to a life coach at one stage and she asked me to imagine an ideal work day and all I could come up with was being in front of the room with big sheet of paper and coloured pens. Some vision!
I didn’t want a relationship in which I was constantly criticised and put down. So what did I want in a relationship? I wanted to feel loved and cherished just as I am. I wanted to feel safe and steady in that relationship.
And so I started to get an idea of what I wanted. Then I came across Bob Proctor who not only asked the question hat do you want he encouraged us to go way beyond what we thought we could have. He said there are 3 types of goals. One is you already know how to et it. It’s the same as something you’ve already done before. The second type is one you think you can achieve if you gather all your resources together. That’s what he calls a “b” type goal. The one he says to go for that is really worthwhile is the “c” type goal. Something you have no idea how you can achieve it. That he says is when the magic happens actually he didn’t use that word but that’s what I came to understand when you set a goal that’s way out there you have to pull on resources that you didn’t even know you had to achieve it. You make room for the universe, for God to work. Edwene Gaines says the “how” is none of our business.
My only business then was to decide what I wanted.
Why did I have to do this? Every part of me wanted to not do it. Why? Well I knew that if Iidentified what I wanted and didn’t get it I would feel like such a failure again. I had spent most ofmy life wishing and hoping that things would get better and all I’d ever got was more of the samemisery. So how was this goal-setting thing going to work. I was terrified. Edwene Gaines said juststart by writing down things you’d love to do, have, or be. I managed to write down some things.They looked pretty lame now I think about it. One was a pair of red shoes. At that point in my life Ihad a pair of black work shoes and a pair of inadequate runners. Why would I want a pair of redshoes. Well, Edwene gave the example of wanting a mustang – she just desired it, no furtherjustification necessary. So that was good enough for me.
It was only later I came across Charles Fillmore’s writing and he said,
“Desire is the onwardimpulse of the ever evolving soul. It builds from within out and carries its fulfillment with it as anecessary corollary.”
That was when I started to see that our desires are good. They are how wegrow. Bob Proctor said the only point of a goal is to grow.
There was another concept that I came across in Unity that got my attention. I think it was in the4T Prosperity Program, a 12-Step course on living the Fullness of Life by Stretton Smith. Heposed the question: “Are you a giver or a taker?” Ouch! At that point in my life I was very much ataker or a getter and a very reluctant giver. I had to cultivate generosity even though we werebeing taught that generosity or benevolence are natural to us. But some of these naturalresources can lie dormant as this one was for me.
Another idea that really helped me was something I learned from Mary Morrissey. Pay attention to your longings and your discontent, she said. They are the universe’s way of getting your attention.They are saying don’t settle. There’s more for you. I had been thinking that my discontent wassomehow a bad thing, that it meant I was a selfish, disgruntled being.I had to overcome my sense that this was all selfishness. Would I be a better person or could I domore good if I did these achieve these things? How would me getting red shoes help anyoneelse? You can see that I had to clear up some stuffin my head. I had to let go of some notionsabout what is ok to do have or be in this life. Are we meant to have all our needs and desires met?